The snow queen

Yesterday I was watching you over the cup of coffee through the window, coming towards me with your confident step. Your eyes glittered alluringly in green like the sea, calling you to dive into its deep warm waters. And your smile reveals the deadliness of that act, dropping a hint that I will never rise to take a breath again.
Now you are looking at me from the same window, but aver a glass of cognac. You are more than self-reliant, I know. You don’t need someone to tell it to you, you are clever in your actions. You see me as fragile by spirit, plain, but you know that I’m a hidden treasure, not polished diamond that you would turn into an expensive jewel when you wish and gain the laurels and the pats on the back for changing me. You stand in front of my light blue eyes, thinking that they’re empty, as a shell to a likewise empty soul.
And once I’d really looked at you with the eyes of a little child. But then you didn’t saw when the door shut and the blue turned into an iceberg that is now staring at you between the shawl covering my pale thin lips and the hat hiding my auburn locks.
Your lips taste like almond. You got up and dragged me into your Peugeot. I sat down and smiled as an answer to your smile. You have been shopping again, buying me clothes and trifles; you’ll be showing me here and there again. I looked at the snow through the window.
When we got to your house you sent me to the bedroom, and you sat down in your lounge by the fireside like you where waiting the steward to bring you a glass of brandy. You felt joy to see me walk around with the sheer dresses that you buy me. Long, short, with shoulder-straps, with sleeves. You made your secretary to choose them with you and to match it with make-up and jewels. And than you make with her on your office desk, promising her you’ll buy her the same, even better.
I was for prestige, to show your generosity, your nobleness, for that you have helped one poor girl. Unlike other times now you have picked up something with taste worthy of a woman, not for a prostitute in expensive clothes.
You still believed that I’m a puppet, although you didn’t realize now I transferred the villa and your other car on my name that I made you open a solid account on my name. While I was pretending to be your little diamond all would be fine. In your eyes now I was that – a diamond, covered with diamonds with pale blue gown and a white fox fur coat.
Once I cried and pitied myself, but I became aware. Today is the day that you are going to become aware.
It was the Christmas party at your legal office. She was also there, a peroxide blond, whit a black sexy short dress and my golden necklace with sapphires. It would suit you better to take her arm in yours, while she is wagging her tail one step behind you, showing her fake silicone charms.
I know that you expected me to be by your side all night, smiling humble and shy. Like a little trained mouse that you’ll pull out your pocket. A sparkle of vexation and jealousy came out when I went to dance with one of your probationers. You became furious when I laugh with him, when I didn’t come back to you but instead went to your colleague’s wives. The last straw that broke the camel’s back was when one of your co-workers told me something to my ear, right? Ah, you’re so predictable. So low, material, shallow. A show-off. Empty shell. You came and drag me by the hand, made as if to strike me. And all looks fell on you. Now I’ll show you that so well learned from you smile to give you a hint how deep have you wrapped up, darling. What? You have something to say? Look at the video screen. That’s right. I allowed myself to take the tape from the camera in the office garage. I turn around and with surprise I see you shaking her tree off on the hood of the Opel that is now mine. I drop my glass. A tear, and another one, and another one. I can feel how the other women look at you with indignation. A slap. The probationer came and hugged me. He called you „trash“. That was not enough, my love, it wasn’t enough for you. You weren’t high enough, that when you fell to feel how it hurts. But I’m tired of dragging you with me, I don’t need you anymore. I asked the newbie to leave me at the elevator, to get back and not spoil his evening, still having tears in my eyes. But not from sadness, they were from the laughter I tried to hide so well.
Outside the snow was falling down softly in big flakes. Beautiful. They caressed me more gently than any touch of yours. I knew that you were watching me from the window of your office, while she is on her knees, taking it deeper and deeper, feeling happy to drink your warm liquid pouring in her mouth. But that won’t make you forget my silhouette when I turned my back on you and disappeared in the snow.


~ от Джен на май 1, 2007.

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